Friday, August 06, 2010


Oh I did not realize it has been a month since I last posted! I guess that is because things have been a roller coaster of sorts.

First UIH closed down. That still upsets me (not only because it was a job for me). I really loved that job. (the promoted one). I really need to talk to God about taking the anger out of me with this situation. I drive by the building every so often & tears almost always come to my eyes. *sigh* It makes me so sad and so angry.

Hmm, that is a familiar set of emotions - oh yah like when J broke up with me out of the blue. So lets just say not so much of a good time.
Speaking of that... oh goodness... it has been just over a year since I moved here to spend the rest of my life with J. So this time last year I was having amazing times with him & being a girl I am totally remembering. But not in the pathetic desperate psycho way. I am not laying in bed eating tubs of ice cream sobbing into tissues. Something will remind me of a time with J and that will lead to a domino reaction of last August.

I am trying not to think this thought 'if he waited just 1 more month this would not have happened!" I was driving to B&N today in Fairless Hills, PA which is like 5 minutes from Js parents house. I come to this area because I like it sooooo much more than the Lawerenceville, NJ area - it is more chill in this area. However, Every time I drive by the "Pennsylvania Welcomes You" sign I just want to scream. (& you know what? sometimes I do).

Chris sent me an email a month or so ago and he basically said that J and I were not meant to be forever, that it was not what God planned. That really upset me & that really hurt me. I mean it broke my heart that he would say that.

Let me say here, of course Chris was not happy that I am dating Tim (because Tim is not sure of his faith). I completely understand that. However, what he wrote about J was just too much for me. Does Chris have it on good authority that J and I are not meant to be together?

Today I was on my way to coffee and donut, listening to sports radio and the thought that J and I are supposed to be together came into my head and I got this feeling in my stomach. It nearly made me sick.

Speaking of Chris, he is moving to Georgia in less than 2 weeks to be closer to his girlfriend. Which is normal. I mean I moved here to be closer to J. I was dating J for almost a year at that time. Chris has been dating this girl for 2 months. His logic is that he has known her for a while (over the internet and video chat). Which still is... something. He met her for the first time a few months ago. And on their second visit they decided to be bf/gf and then last week she flew to TX to go on vacation at a beach together. It is not my place to judge. I am going to be honest and blunt, this just does not feel good to me. I am sure that she is a very nice girl and whatnot but it is just fast. And when I mention that to Chris he counters with that he has known her for awhile now.

A lot of times when it comes to subjects with Chris I feel that I have no right to really say anything to him even if it is lovingly , unconditionally, and with out judgment because I have had some pretty ungodly moments that Chris has helped me with. And I fear that Chris will hold that against me. The thing is... because of those moments, and because of all of my experiences with others and in my life I feel that I could give him advice. I am not saying that at all because I think I am so great (ask Chris I definitely do not feel that way about myself).

So add this to what he wrote to me about J and you can understand why I am all in knots.

*Takes A Deep Breath*

I have been unemployed for a little over a month now. I struggled with getting a job at a mall or sandwich place or collecting unemployment. I decided that for my mental health it is a better deal to collect unemployment for the following reasons:
1. NOT because I am lazy
2. I will get more money from unemployment than working a stressful low paying job dealing with teenagers all day.
3. I can keep applying for jobs in the field that I want to work it
4. I can get back to making jewelry and other goods to sell on Etsy and the upcoming Hopewell Fair in October

So next week that is what I will be doing. PLEASE be praying that it goes smoothly. Thank You.
I did go to Florida to see the Barnes. I took like 3 pictures, none of the people, but 2 of the dogs. Haha. It was sooooo great to see them. I mean soooooo great. I am definitely interested in moving there. I just need to have a job lined up.
I am going to see the Rockies play the Mets next Thursday. I CANNOT WAIT!!!!
Oh. Goodness.

1 comment:

Stony and Brit said...

Thanks for sharing so much of your heart!